When I began understanding my identity in Christ, I don’t think it would be an exaggeration to say it was life-changing. It was as if I had been walking around with wool over my eyes for years without knowing it and then having it removed to reveal brilliant clarity.
I had no idea where that revelation of what grace really is, what freedom really is, would take me. Where it would take my marriage. My friendships. The way I relate to Jesus and Scripture. It has been the biggest shift in theology I have ever experienced and has colored the lens through which I now view the world.
But I didn’t realize till today that there were still corners of my heart where I harbored lingering doubts of whether or not I was truly enough. Truly free of all expectation and rules.
We have entered a new year of full seconds, minutes, hours, days, and weeks and I have already longed to slow time down before it runs away from me altogether. Five small people who clamor for love, attention, time, food…two small boys who are staying home to be educated…a home that needs care (not perfection…I clearly don’t have time for that.)…a husband who works long, hard hours to provide for our family and also has responsibilities outside of our home and his work…juggling, juggling, juggling. And I know we are not alone. We are not the only family to do this annual dance of balancing multiple schedules and tasks.
So maybe I’m not the only one who hears the whispers of failure and inadequacy in their day-to-day. Maybe I’m not the only one who questions if I am enough. That what I’m doing is enough.
And that is what happened today.
Nothing major happened, it was a normal day, but I could not shake a weariness and a persistent sense of failing in juggling all the balls in the air, and I lost sight of what is truth.
But then I was reminded that my identity doesn’t come from being an amazing homeschooler, or an excellent homemaker, wife, mother, etc. That I can relax the standards and expectations I have placed upon myself and lay them down at the feet of the One who paid the price so that I wouldn’t have them in the first place.
I am free to love extravagantly…live with abandon…I am enough as I am, even when I don’t get the laundry done, when I don’t get school done with the boys, when dinner is pb&js, when Matt and I are high-fiving each other as we tag team taking care of the kids, when to give myself a breather from the constant questions I let the kids watch too much TV, I am enough.