Glennon over at Momastery has been running a series of posts that ended today called “Sacred Scared.” These posts were written by women, who by all appearances, have it “together.” But they weren’t sharing on how you and I can have our lives together, but the places that they are afraid. Deep down afraid. One author wrote about her fear of never being thin enough. Another about how she’s afraid her work is going to affect her kids negatively. Yet another about her fear that she isn’t smart enough. One is afraid she’s a fraud. And there were more. But the whole point wasn’t to say, “See? We know how you feel,” it was to say, “See? We know how you feel AND YET you can live and have a fully joyous life.” Stop being afraid to step up and be someone to make a difference because of those fears.
It was incredibly powerful to read through these individuals fears. And it packed a solid punch to my gut because, if I am being completely open and honest, I have been holding on to some of my own sacred scared places.
So, though very few of you will read this, I’m going to post my own ‘Sacred Scared’. (I don’t have a recent make-up free picture of me to share, but I do have one from before Clara was born, so that will have to suffice.)
What is your sacred scared?
My biggest fear is that I’m not enough. When I first asked myself the question, I thought of many different things. That I will ruin my children. That I’m not worthy of my husband. That I don’t have as many friends as I think. That I’m not pretty enough, doing enough, thin enough, smart enough, or that I’m too much. Too clingy. Too needy. Too obviously desperate for verbal affirmation.
But all that boils down to, in my mind at least, that I’m not enough and that I will never be enough.
I can remind myself of God’s truth and what He has to say about me all I want. And I don’t always struggle with this feeling of complete inadequacy, but when it hits, man, does it hit hard. At the grocery store, where I see a perfectly fit (and super skinny) mom pushing a cart with one child in it perfectly groomed while I’m wrangling 4 kids and feeling pudgy because my coat is too big for my frame, but it covers the muffin top and jelly to spare from having said 4 kids so I wear it despite feeling frumpy.
At my mom’s group, where beloved friends share in their activities they do with their kids and I wonder why I can’t get my act together to do something like that with mine.
In friendships, when I haven’t heard from someone in awhile and I turn into my 8th grade self wondering if my friend “doesn’t like me anymore” or if I “did something.”
In my marriage. That I’m not a good enough wife for my husband, who rarely makes a demand on me or makes me feel like I’m not enough.
I doubt my worth and my capability in just about every single area of my life. Not always, and not for long periods of time, but it does happen. More often than I would like or care to admit. Deeper than I ever thought possible. It whispers, lingers, tries to convince me….“Erin, you are just not enough.”